Friday, November 02, 2007

Not much time to post

I haven't had a lot of time to post lately. Frankly, I've had some bad habits for a long time that I am really working diligently to correct. One of those bad habits is not resting and one of the direct side effects of that is that I ramble around my house too late and too loud. I'm still not sleeping, but I'm not making so much noise at not sleeping as I once was!

Another bad habit I've developed is the bad habit of replacing "doing" with "being." I'm working on being.

Another: I DO NOT KNOW WHEN THIS STARTED, but I was never known as a cat who wasted time talking about junk. I usually meet new people, or see well known friends, and get right to the main stuff of life. Somewhere along the line I've become a champion of idle chatter and mindless banter. No more. I'm getting to the point. I want to return to these conversations:

"Do you know Jesus?"
"Are you walking with Him? Do you obey Him? Are you serving Him?"

"Do you know Jesus?"
"Can I tell you about Him?"

Another thing... I've been trying to seek personal revival. I need one. Actually, I am pretty frustrated with a lot of things...the chief thing is me. In the process of seeking revival I have made a really strong effort in prayer to ask God to help me examine my heart, to test myself ( ), to judge myself "lest [I] be judged" and the entire host of things that I need to do to check myself before I wreck myself.

The funny thing about asking God these things is that He grants them.

I find myself vacillating between loathing myself and loving God. Honestly, I think I spend more time loathing myself. Some of that is healthy. I need an honest view of my sin. I need to not skirt the edge of puerile behavior and foolishly dismiss my often less-than-a-grown-man-who-ought-to-be-more-than-he-is-right-now way of kicking and screaming because I WANT MY WAY! I need to face me and grow up; particularly, to put away childish ways and walk worthy of the high calling I have received.

But, I just don't feel like it right now...

That's nothing anyone wants to hear, and, dang it, it's nothing I want to tell...

Still, if I don't confess my sins -- and, yes, read into that struggles and fears -- to my brethren, then I won't find a single soul to keep me accountable. One of my biggest problems is that I can get so much done on sheer will that I often would not take help if it was offered and surely would not go in search of it. THAT is my pride exalting itself against God. THAT is not taking Him at His word obediently. THAT is trusting myself over HIM. THAT may be my biggest problem. I sometimes feel like the ugly step-child of Adam and Eve who stood in the Garden with them shouting, "I CAN SKIN MY OWN CRITTER!!!"

1 comment:

Brian said...

Great post! Thanks for being so open and honest. Hopefully I, and the rest of your readership, will be praying for these struggles.