Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Things that trip me out...

Maybe this little write-up should be classified under the "Tim Ain't Right, Y'all" category.

Upfront Disclaimer: DO NOT VISIT THE SITE / COMPANY I AM MENTIONING HEREIN. THERE ARE SOME "ADULT" PRODUCTS SOLD BY THIS COMPANY; NO PERSON IS NUDE, BUT THE PRODUCTS FOUND ON THIS SITE MAY OFFEND SOME. YOU ARE WARNED. IF YOU VISIT IT, DO NOT SAY I DID NOT WARN YOU.

Okay...disclaimer done.

So, today we received an unsolicited catalog in the mail from a company called "Carol Wright Gifts."

I thought to myself, Cool, an "old lady" catalog. Uh...well...uh...if old ladies order across the spectrum of this catalog, well...uh...I just don't know what to say.

I had a little time -- you know the kind of time where you don't have enough to do much, but too much to do nothing -- so I plopped down and began to check ol' Carol out. What do you know, I open the first page and there's the most adorable "Kitten Throw." So, I was thinking, $4.99? For realz? Hey, that kitty looks just like Katie's cat. I'm buying that junk! Me and the old lady catalog were off to a rip-roaring start!

Next page: Oh boy...here's where I got super-stoked-shopping-fever. Ol' Carol has the KYMARO Body Shaper. Don't get it? Well, here's what it will do:

  • No more bulges!
  • Smoothes and Slims Hips and Thighs
  • Lifts Buttocks
  • Provides Back Support
I will leave it to you to determine which one I was most excited about. Okay, you guessed it...my booty is sagging and, frankly, I've been a bit concerned. But, hey, no more! I was going to order item #70460 in the "nude" color (so's I couldn't see it when I was getting dressed and would be totally fooled into thinking that I really look that good). You aren't sold? Wait! You just need this bit of info: it's only $39.99. Forget losing weight! I just need this here body shaper!

Two pages. Two exciting purchases. I was becoming afraid to turn the page; cardiac arrest seemed imminent.

I was almost overwhelmed by opportunity.

Plaid robes. Couch and chair covers.  All in one drapery. Low slouch boots. Genuine suede bag. Fucoxanthin Patch (featuring "Around-the-clock Weight Loss With Fat-Burning Batch" -- yep, you guessed it, item #3 in my bag). Weight-loss ring. Floral Shower Curtain (item #4). Denture Liner (item #5). Healthy Hoof Nail Strengthener (it became item #6 the moment I read the info: "when groomers saw what Healthy Hoof did for their horses, they used it on their own nails!" How could I pass that up?)

Wait...there was WAAAAAAY MORE! Electromagnetic Ultrasonic Pest Repeller. HealthMaster "Fruit and Vegetable Emulsifier." No-Spill Strip. 20 cleaning clothes for $7.99. Half-Finger Arthritis Gloves. Damask Chair Cover. The World's Easiest Nut-Cracker (item #7).

Then. Came. Pages. 16 and 17.

If old ladies buy this stuff...

Can I be modest and adult-like and say those two pages are filled with stuff made for people to concentrate on themselves and trust you to understand?

Next two pages: Genuine Leather Credit Card Case. Comfortable Non-Binding Socks. Men's 8-in-1 Groomer. The Back Saver. On and on and on and on it goes...

What?

What the heck?

What the heck-fire?

Why was the catalog aimed at me? Who was it meant for? Who sits around needing this combination of things from a mail order catalog? How do bladder control pills, control tops, canes, robes, nicotine medicine, walking shoes, fat dissolving cream and pages 16 and 17 all go together?

How do inspirational bracelets, escape hammers, shaver sharpener, medical ID bracelets, stainless-steel tea kettles, seat cushions and pages 16 and 17 go together?

How does the "Carol Wright Gifts" shopper go from "Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer" to that.

How can Carol keep a straight face when people call in and ask for the "Floral Quilt-Top Bedspread" and one of those in the same breath?

Wow...

What does this say about people? I need, I need, I need...OOOOO....I want. Are people that lonely? Is this the solution? Is THIS THAT important? Must it be couched between the "Wraparound Bed Ruffle" and buy-one-get-one-free "Platinum Edition Cordless Electric Rechargeable Shave Kit"?  Must it be wedged between the things people use to put their socks on when they can't bend over and the self setting alarm clock? If you can't set your alarm or put on your socks, how...???

No, Tim, don't pursue these answers.


So, it made me think of a passage. 


2 Timothy 3:1 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of selflovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. (emphasis mine; English Standard Version)


You might not "get" what I'm talking about, and, IF you don't, I pray it's because of godly 

naïveté. If that is the cause, rock on. 


Carol might be selling to old ladies. She might be selling to young men. To whomever she's selling, they're buying more than they bargained for! I put my mentally-carted items away and prepared the catalog for recycling (and a good joke). 

Anybody interested in a lightly-looked-upon catalog? 

2 comments:

tduncan said...

In. Tears. reading this post!!! Well done! Impressive that you got from Carol to 1 Timothy :D

twbowes said...

I don't know if it's a talent or a curse.

;)