God is patient with failures...
This testimony won't
be for everyone, but it will be for someone.
I used to cuss like a
veteran infantryman. And I can't say I didn't know how to control it. I didn't
talk like that in front of my grandmother. (She would've slapped me in the
mouth, even as a grown man!)
It did seem
situationally out of control. For example, I was so used to using foul language
around men, and at places like the ball field and work, that I don't think I
thought about it. It was habitual. It was like my grandmothers made me pay
attention to EVERY word, other people, like my mom, or most other ladies, made
me watch MOST / SOME of what I said, but, in general, my language was terrible.
And, though I am
primarily talking about cussing, also, my subject matter, innuendo, and body
language was fairly horrible.
My paternal
grandmother said on more than one occasion, and in more than one way, that
people who cursed showed their ignorance or unwillingness to express themselves
in a better way. One saying cut me to the bone: "If you know how to talk
better and don't, you are proving you are stupid, not ignorant. You are coarse
on purpose, and that's sad."
It all hit me one week
at work. I was witnessing to someone and used foul language without thinking
about it. They called me on it, and the person did it in the right way, and I
was immediately convicted and thoughtful.
Later that week, with
a different person, I was praying and said something foul. Called me on it. I
felt sick.
Same week; I told some
off-color joke, and a fellow Christian lovingly held me accountable.
I really began to deeply
consider my language. I knew I was in bondage, and, it seemed, by my own choice
/ choices.
It was just another
area of abject failure in my life. I knew it. I saw it for what it was, and I
didn't want to pretend like it didn't matter, or that it didn't affect my
witness, nor did I want to attempt to justify it. I just wanted to be free; to
grow; to be more like Jesus. I wanted my tongue to be a force of good, and,
more so, a force of the gospel.
I began to pour
through the Scriptures: “’I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give
account for every careless word they speak, For by your words you will be
justified, and by your words you will be condemned’ … And he called the people
to him and said to them, ‘Hear and understand: it is not what goes into the
mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a
person.’ … But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander,
and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you
have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self,
which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. ... Let no
corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building
up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. … Let there
be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but
instead let there be thanksgiving. … Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned
with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” (Matthew
12:36-37; Matthew 15:10-11; Colossians 3:8-10; Ephesians 4:29; Ephesians 5:4;
Colossians 4:6 ESV) And there's even more!
Convicted. Inept.
Immature. Ignorant, coarse, stupid. Unintelligent. Not powerless, for sure, but
lacking Spirit-filled self-control. Of all the words that came to me, "old
self" is what gripped me; un-Christ-like was easily true. Whew.
It felt like another
thing to be ashamed of, and, to be frank, it was.
It was another thing I
needed God's guidance and power to overcome. I regularly came to the right
conclusion that there was no good in me outside of Christ, and that was a
healthy conclusion. It was humbling, but it put me at the feet of God.
My first plan of
action was to spend a weekend fasting and praying. My second step was to say
nothing for an entire day; no words at all. My third step was to say nothing
for a week unless I knew the exact Bible reference / truth to apply to my
speech. (The most latter thing was sort of funny; it's hard operate a tugger,
or adjust the settings on a welding machine with only Bible verses!)
Those 10 days started
the surrender of my speech and BEGAN a transformation of my language. Praise be
to God!
I am not saying I have
this issue 100% conquered. I am not saying my speech is perfect. I am saying
God has done a work and is doing a work.
That's my story. Pray
for me as I seek to grow in Christ. Peace to each and all of you who read these
words.
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