A testimony of ruined relationships.

Yet another story of abject failure...

I ruined every relationship. I did not honor my mother and father. I did not care for my brothers. I was very often a selfish friend.

I cannot say worse than any of these above, but I can say more painful and harder to face than any of these above, I objectified women. I'd like to blame it all on ignorance, but I can't. Some, of course, was ignorance. Some of it was the brokenness of youth. Some was stupidity. Some was omissive sin. Most of it was commissive sin.

I am utterly ashamed at this confession.

I learned young how to toss the word "love" around. I think I thought I meant it every time.

You might not believe this, but I know it to be true, I did mean it quite often, but I when I used the word "love," the dictionary I was using yielded poor definitions, at best.

Valuing a gentleman's demeanor and behavior was real for me, but I very often used that to capture attention for more selfish purposes.

I was very often ruled by selfish lust.

I very often held double standards.

I looked at women the wrong way.

I respected them outwardly, but not always inwardly.

There were in my past multiple relationships in which I was the cause of much pain and sorrow. It sounds arrogant to say it, but I mean it literally, my selfishness, my poor treatment, my cheating, my emotional abuse, my misuse of the word love, and my poor execution of love itself led to broken hearts. (My heart was broken a time or two as well, but I cannot confess for others; I can only confess for me.) I hurt people. I hurt their feelings. I hurt their next relationships by the infection of wounds and pain caused by my doing.

When I became a disciple of Jesus, through His word, and seeking to follow Him in all my ways, I began to truly understand what love was / is, and I began to see how foul I'd behaved. I found it necessary to confess to people how poorly I'd behaved and thought and spoke. I sought people out and asked for forgiveness.

Some forgave.

Some cried.

One smacked me.

Some did not forgive.

One, to this day, still will not speak to me.

The most latter holds me in bitter contempt.

She has for nearly 30 years.

You know you hurt someone if they can boil in anger for so long.

Thank God, He did not leave me in my personal rottenness. Thank God, He taught me what love is... more importantly, Who love is. Thank God, the woman I was with -- the woman who became my wife -- stuck with me until I learned to love by the right definition. Thank God, He loved me while I was yet in my sin. Thank God, His cross, His grace, His mercy, His kindness taught me about love. Thank God, He made me see the many errors of my ways.

Thank God, I am learning how to be a better son.

Thank God, I am learning how to be a better sibling.

Thank God, I am learning how to be a better friend.

Thank God, I am learning how to be a godly spouse.

Thank God, my wife is more excellent than am I.

Thank God for those who forgave my wrongs.

Help God, that all old wounds may find healing.

I am truly sorry for every relationship I ever ruined.

I am truly sorry for all the people I failed.

I am truly sorry for every sin twisted emotion.

I am truly sorry for the times I served my flesh.

I am truly sorry for hurting feelings / breaking hearts.

I am truly sorry I sought kisses instead of living love.

I am truly sorry for lingering eyes instead of loving service.

The Lord Jesus said, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another." (John 13:34 ESV)

In spite of all my failure of the past, and even with the likelihood of more failure in the future, I know what love is. I know Him who is love. I know how to look upon others with the eyes, heart, and mind of God now (though not perfectly, more than ever before, for sure).

I plan to live in the command of Jesus.

I plan to live by the right definition.

I plan to always look to Jesus as my example.

I plan to always ask for His help.

I am sorry for every hurt I ever caused in this world.

May God lead me (and us all) to be humble folk who seek reconciliation and peace in the places where we have wounded others and broken friendships and relationships. Father, be glorified as You lead Your broken children to put their lives and relationships in godly order. Father, let us not be satisfied with our faults; help us to be kind and tenderhearted to one another. In Jesus I pray. Amen.